Couples Counseling in Kenosha: Rebuilding Connection

Introduction

If you and your partner have decided to give couples counseling in Kenosha a try, that is an accomplishment in and of itself. You and your partner have taken the hardest step: admitting that there is an issue and your relationship is not functioning the way you want it to. Most people can barely bring themselves to admit to this type of problem. You have shown commitment to your partner and your relationship simply by agreeing to try. Currently, that commitment may not feel strong, but it is there nonetheless. It is the first of many steps that you and your partner will take to begin your journey toward greater marital communication and intimacy.

You may have figured out that you need couples therapy, but now you’re wondering how it actually works. What does relationship repair look like? What will happen in sessions? And when will you start to feel better?

At A Ray of Hope in Kenosha, our experienced therapists and psychologists specialize in couples counseling and marriage therapy for partners throughout Kenosha County, including Kenosha, Pleasant Prairie, and Racine. We help couples rebuild trust, improve communication, navigate major life transitions, and rediscover the connection that brought them together in the first place.

Read this guide to learn about the following: What really happens in couples therapy? How does my relationship heal and reconnect with my partner? What to expect from working with a couples therapist. What you will learn in this guide: A healthy marriage is hard to build and easy to break down. Marriage therapy is a unique kind of support system specifically designed for couples navigating the most personal challenges they’ve ever faced. If you are looking for a solid foundation in what marriage therapy is and how it works, you’re in the right place.

What "Rebuilding Connection" Actually Means

Connection means you and your partner feel each other. You see each other. You hear each other. You matter to each other. And you’re able to be seen, heard, and matter to each other right back. What starts to break down the connection isn’t one tiff or fight. What starts to break us down are the hundreds of little cuts we suffer, our important needs that aren’t met, the hurts we never even talk about, the patterns of misunderstanding or omission that leave us feeling isolated and alone while still being physically present with each other.
Communication is one of the key components of connection and relationship work in couples therapy. Communication refers to the ability to express oneself and have one’s messages heard by others. This means understanding what is communicated beneath the surface of the words spoken, and learning to communicate in ways that are heard and registered by the other person. The 2nd component is understanding the underlying needs and fears behind each partner’s feelings and actions, and learning to communicate them in a way that is understood by the other. The 3rd is disrupting negative cycles that obstruct connection and communication. Negative cycles can be those that feel relational to us and a part of our essential bond, and those that are more pattern-based (like the pursue/withdraw or blame/defend cycles). Learning to disrupt these patterns and establish new ways of being together and communicating is also an important part of communication and connection work.

According to Psychology Today, successful couples therapy does not mean that you and your partner never fight again and everything that bugs you is fixed, having an understanding of what gets in your way and the tools to safely and constructively work through your annoyances, creates a more resilient relationship in which the connection between the two of you as safe as possible while talking out the tough stuff.

The Role of the Couples Therapist in Kenosha

Your couples therapist is not a referee who determines what is right or wrong in your relationship or decides whether you should stay married or break up. Rather, the therapist can help both of you gain insight into your own patterns and behaviors as well as gain a better understanding of each of your points of view and underlying needs. They can provide you with communication tools to decrease conflicts and connect with your partner on a deeper level. Couples work can be very challenging, but the therapy room is a very safe place to work through the scary conversations that you may have been avoiding.

In the beginning, we may work together to assess your relationship history, understand what brings you to therapy, identify what is unique to your attachment patterns and communication style, and clarify what you both hope to achieve through working with a couples therapist. Our goal during this assessment phase is to identify what needs to change in your relationship to make it stronger and more rewarding.

In any given session, a good couples therapist is bound to notice things that you hadn’t — perhaps how the other person’s attempt to connect with you feels ignored, or how your “defend and shut down” reaction occurs before you even realize what’s happening. And then, over time, a major part of the work of couples therapy is noticing, as the therapist points out, these moments as they happen, over and over again. This can be an extraordinary eye-opener, allowing both of you to look at the dance you’re engaged in from a more outside perspective, and to recognize how you each contribute to the ongoing cycle of behavior and reaction that currently governs your relationship.

Having relationship issues in your life and are looking to start couples counseling in Kenosha? Our staff can help you identify the roadblocks you're facing and offer tools to help you build the relationship you both desire. Give us a call at (847) 816-6335 to schedule an appointment to start working through these issues.

Common Issues Addressed in Couples Therapy

Of course, every relationship is unique, but over the years, we’ve noticed that the same common challenges keep arising in the therapy room. Below, you’ll find a list of the most typical marriage issues that couples work through in our Kenosha therapy office.

Communication breakdowns. One or both partners feel they are not being heard, understood, or validated. They may feel criticized or judged. Conversations quickly spiral into arguments, or they are shut down before anything of value is ever discussed. In this module, we learn how to communicate in a way that our partner can actually hear us and how to really listen without necessarily having to defend or fix the situation.

Trust issues and infidelity. A majority of our clients present with issues of trust and infidelity whether it be emotional or physical and broken trusts or commitments. They may be dealing with an emotional affair, a physical affair, or a broken commitment they cannot get past, and feel that their relationship is on the line. Working through trust issues and addressing a breakdown in trust in a relationship is some of the hardest work a couple can do. Our services as your relationship therapist assist you in navigating the process, working through the pain, and being able to take on and address the issues that arose that led to the betrayal, as well as working together to determine your capacity for healing and forgiveness, and determining together if you can move in a positive direction and what that may look like.

Life transitions and external stressors. Many factors can disrupt the intimate connection between partners. Sometimes these factors feel overwhelming and outside of our control – such as becoming a parent, a change in job, financial pressures, caring for an aging parent, or dealing with health issues. Rather than allowing these new demands to strain the bond between you and your partner, couples therapy can be a great way to tackle them together, rather than allowing the stress of new circumstances to drive you apart.

Pursue-withdraw cycles. The core pattern in conflicted couples is called a “pursue-withdraw cycle.” One partner in the relationship “pursues” the other for intimacy or to deal with a conflict, while the other partner “withdraws.” Their interactions create a cycle in which one partner’s pursuit of the other reinforces the other partner’s tendency to withdraw, and the other partner’s withdrawal reinforces the first partner’s pursuit. Getting past this pursue-withdraw cycle is usually the first concrete step in improving communication and ultimately the relationship as a whole.

Different needs, expectations, or values. Relationship dissatisfaction can stem from a variety of causes, including different needs, expectations, or values. This may be around sex, parenting, spending money, or a number of other areas. How do you determine whether your differences are truly negotiable or are signs of more basic incompatibilities, and how do you negotiate any possible compromises that will meet both of your needs?

How Long Does Couples Counseling Take?

There is no typical timeline for couples therapy. In fact, there isn’t really a one-size-fits-all approach to couples therapy at all. What works for one couple may not work for another. Some couples may complete 8 to 12 sessions of therapy and notice a dramatic improvement. This can be the case for couples whose problems are relatively recent, and they are highly motivated to work on their issues. Other couples may need more time and, therefore, may benefit from longer-term therapy. This could be due to a number of factors, such as longstanding patterns of behavior, unresolved trauma, and trust issues, to name just a few.

The aim of couples therapy is to teach new communication skills, help partners manage emotions, and help them learn to navigate challenging interactions while in therapy. The idea is not to be in therapy forever, but to learn the necessary skills and develop the right patterns of relating so that partners can connect meaningfully outside of the therapy room.

Another thing to keep in mind is that progress does not always proceed in a straight line. Some weeks you may have many remarkable sessions, while other weeks, regression to old patterns may occur. That’s normal too. Real change in relationships often involves a lot of repetition and both partners' willingness to work on the relationship over months and even years.

What Makes Couples Therapy Successful?

There are a few factors that research has identified that are predictive of success in marital therapy: BOTH partners need to be “for” seeing a therapist—meaning they both attend sessions and are at least somewhat engaged in the process, even if one person is more hesitant to come to the therapist at first.

BOTH partners need to be willing to look at their own behavior and acknowledge that there are aspects to their behavior that may contribute to the difficulties in the relationship, as well as be able to be a bit open-minded to understanding that their partner may not be entirely at fault for all that is wrong, either.

BOTH partners need to be able to do the assigned “work” during the time between sessions. The work can range from learning and practicing new communication patterns and strategies that can help the couple manage stress and work through difficult emotions, to actually doing the work that has been suggested to repair the relationship.

BOTH partners need a bit of humility and open-mindedness about what can actually be accomplished in therapy, as well as about what the process may be like as they do their work in sessions. No one should assume that all of their problems can be easily resolved in a short amount of time, or that every session will be easy and feel accomplished. In contrast, many couples find their sessions quite difficult for at least a bit of time, but will look back on those challenging hours as well worth the effort once they have benefited from the process.

One of the biggest factors influencing the success of your therapy is timing. A good rule of thumb is that if you notice your partner doing the same things over and over again and it’s annoying you, try talking about it before the same things become patterns for you, too. Coming into therapy when problems are arising is better than coming in after years of relationship problems have built up, but it’s also never too late. Even after many years of fighting and pain, people can and do change if there is true motivation to do so.

Confused about what couples counseling actually is? Want to get a sneak peek of what it looks like? In this short video, one of our couples counseling psychologists, Dr. Rickspoone this short video which gives you an idea of what it is like for couples to work through challenges and strengthen communication in the couples counseling sessions here at A Ray of Hope

Starting Couples Counseling in Kenosha

If you and your partner want to start couples therapy in Kenosha, here is what to do first: Set up your initial session. Most couples therapists will meet with you and your partner for your first session, so that they can get a sense of what your relationship is like and can hear each of your perspectives. However, some therapists may choose to do a single session with each of you first to better understand your individual experiences and the issues you each are dealing with.

At A Ray of Hope, our therapists work with couples facing all types of relationship challenges—from communication difficulties and trust issues to life transitions and intimacy concerns. We serve couples throughout Kenosha, Pleasant Prairie, Racine, and southeastern Wisconsin.

To book your first couples session, please call (847) 816-6335 or contact us. You have taken the initial step by recognizing that working on your relationship is important. That takes a lot of courage.